Hi blog,

in my typical Singaporean accent i'd say... Long time no see. or rather, blog. Today's topic shall be on... making the most out of my life.

I see people out there, seizing opportunities, trying to get internships, build cv and me? Bumming around, sleeping 10 hours a day. It seems that I do nothing outside of school and really, the last year hasn't been fulfilling. There are many should's and should have's, opportunities that I've missed, activities that I could have done and things that I could have learnt. It seems a bit too late in life to say this but honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing with mine.

Was throwing a few punches in the privacy of my own room earlier. Do I really want to fight again? Or would I be too busy with Chem Eng, EWB and Singsoc stuff this spring term? I could easily bring my gi and join the karate club here. and yet I'm holding back. I feel like I'm not doing enough. It didn't feel that bad during first year because after all, I've got 3 more years of uni. Then the time flies and you know that it won't be long before you graduate and got the weight of the world on you.

Most singaporeans (yes, like me) studying here are scholars with a job waiting for us at home. sometimes I feel that the prospect of a guaranteed job is hindering my ability to seize opportunities and to fly higher which I believe, I can. My oyster isn't big enough. I realise that there's so much to see out of Singapore. So much more to learn. But my opportunities are bounded. I'm not complaining though I just feel like I'm not making the most out of my life. I could be doing so much more. Living so much more. I want to feel like the superwoman I once were. I don't want to bum, I don't want to let my life revolve around school. I want to go out there and make things happen. but I'm not. I'm doing bits and pieces but I don't go all out. This really reminds me of what sensei kevin told me. 'how you treat karate, is how you treat life.' when I spar, I don't go out enough. I hold back. why? Nobody knows. things must stop here.

it's time for.... THE PACKLIST

Food items
-tons of milo
-nescafe gold 3 in 1
-myojo tom yum instant noodles
- those jap sprinkly things
- GREEN TEA GREEN TEA
-prima packs (of my choice -.-)

IT stuff
-external hard disk
-laptop
-camera
-spare battery (lappy and camera)
-speakers (HAHAHAHA)
-spare SD card
-CV (not really an IT stuff thing)
-chargers

Books
-library books (beethoven and schubert)

Clothes
-bring back jeans
-winter clothes
-more socks!
-bra (underwear already there)
-red dress =D
-house shorts

Shoes
-pumps
-new converses!
-to buy a nice new pair of flipflops
-reeboks
-socks socks socks

Stationery
- set of pen refills and correction tapes
- stapler
- calculators

Random stuff
- kiasu vouchers
- piano scores
- spectacles
- sanitary pads (damn a lot)

Things to do
- call up Flexistore

sequel -- epilogue

It's funny how people like to cling onto a last bit of hope. why fictional stories have sick twists in the middle and end up happily ever after. it's because after reading 20000 chapters of turmoil, we want to see that the protagonists end up together and somewhere deep inside, we all hope that after 20000 years of turmoil, we have our own happily ever afters.

I have a confession to make. I'm addicted. I'm addicted to reading senseless romance, only to know that after a few hundred thousand words that would take me less that 24 hours to read, I can immerse myself in the turmoil and end up with the happy ending. I'm sure many have been tempted to skip the turmoil, flip to the epilogue to make sure it was good. after all, after all the guy has gone through for the girl and vice versa, they deserved each other no? and that's why I'm addicted. In stories, the epilogue has already been written. We are in control of what we read, what we want to feel. Our lives are just like that story, just that our epilogues are empty. We don't know if what we put in will bear fruit because at some point in my life really, I've been taught to suck thumb and move on.

Maybe I'm making excuses for myself but I'm quite sure I make hell alot of sense. Yes. Even for a deranged romantic. And depression, helplessness and to a more serious extent suicidal thought all root from the fact that we want whatever we have gone through in our lives to be worth it. I'm catholic and yet I say, we need a God or for my case God to assure ourselves that it will eventually be worth it. But essentially, is there such thing as a black hole of efforts? Where everything we've done and learnt to do go to waste? I'm not going to touch on the God issue here because that's not my main point but what I'm trying to say is, when someone commits suicide, lets just say I don't blame them. Because we're sick of the 20000 chapters in our lives we have to go through and we know that our epilogue may or may not turn out well. and sometimes, the sick twists in the plot really makes us want to stop writing, take control of this epilogue we have no control of. and when we finally jump off that cliff, our story ends and we get a... cliffhanger! (ok. I'm lame) and back to the subpoint on religion. Maybe we're just trying to believe that if we avoid our own horrendous epilogue by ending with a cliffhanger, we end up with a worse one which eventually is still beyond our control.

Maybe I'm at a point in my life where I don't know how I should head towards a happier epilogue and I'm floating along the most boring part of my story. But I knew for that short happy bits that ended with a sick twist, I was happy and I knew that it was all real. Maybe I should just comfort myself that way, tuck into a bag of chips and read more sickeningly sweet romance stories and simulate that heart fluttering I felt some time ago.

Or maybe I should just stop and continue with this boring bit and maybe, just maybe I'd write myself a happier story.

people enjoy dabbling with the unknown. whether it's the initial interest in quantum physics, first knowing the gist of relativity or something very basic. Getting to know a new person. Getting to know a new person is always exciting and we tend to see the good and interested bits of the person and naturally, the bore and utterly complex equations don't come out in 'introduction to quantum physcis'. but as we dig deeper, the people left fretting over the multiple integrals and psi are those who are genuinely interested or have something to gain from it. take that concept and bring it to getting to know people. beyond the 'introduction to Anne Marie stage' there's the horrible underlying equations and concepts. why she behaves as she does and a certain level of understanding must be achieved.

a public blog is probably similar to 'quantum physics simplified'. normal people would show bits and pieces of themselves. A little angst, happiness, confusion but not the big picture. in face, nowhere near the big picture. you get to see the start of what could be a horrible equation. we know the solution to the particle in a box. but we dont know how it's there. we derive from existing solutions. similarly, the blog entries that are visible to the interested general public like you and me simple show a more 3 dimensional view of the person. the person has already come up with solutions or already reflecting upon it and hence a blog (maybe) and we see the solution and try to derive ways to come up with it.

beyond the simple understand of solutions, we start to delve deep into derivations. tedious equations, mathematical techniques. apply it to the human sense and we get people who genuinely want to be friends, have a certain interest in you or just have something to gain out of knowing you better. for similar reasons, we delve into the mechanics of the schrodinger equation. so we start to derive, be in the thick of all the person's emotions. some of us withdraw, not being able to take the heat. some of us evaluate, make judgement (maybe submit a report) and leave the scene.

you've heard of talented mathematicians, physicians and philosphers who can somehow comprehend the beauty of the equations and understand 'the schrodinger equation- a detailed analysis'. it probably took them years of study, huge wads of interest or cash to bring them to where they are or maybe just immense amounts of IQ. HR people, people involved in talent management are just like these talented 'madmen' who can make sense out of things that don't make sense. And seriously, human behaviour is more senseless than lets say quantum tunneling. I can walk through walls just that the probablitiy is damn low. Or I can die from depression. whatever (bimbo tone). So back to these 'madmen', they can instinctively tell you what kind of person you are to a high degree of accuracy in a short period of time. Their gut feeling comes from experiences and efforts to improve their EQ. And there are a few of us, quick to make judgement. So this is what i heard from a friend one day after school. 'do you understand your lectures? My friend said it's so easy and he knows it all'. somewhere along those lines (i leave the quotation marks there for effect ;) ) We do that all the time. To what we learn each day, to the people we interact with. Have you ever heard of 'omg i cant bliff we're learning all this crap. i mean... why would we need to know integration in daily life anyway?' or 'Xiao ming? Yeah i know him. He's an ass'. to the first statement, you'd probably need to know if you end up as an engineer or someone in tech field. and as for the 2nd statement, either you're not his friend or you're saying that statement deliberately for your listener.

what's the point of this whole entry? well... it takes time off chloramines and turbidity for a while and to remind myself... i better thank my lucky stars for my friends because they bothered to go into the nitty gritty details and derivation of the 'schrondinger equation of anne- detailed derivations'. for the true ones really, they love me or in the eyes of others, psycho. cuz in a nutshell, im not the nicest person you can meet.

Yours truly
Anne Marie

One year ago:
Dear Kang Wen, Anne,

I wish to inform you that you have been selected to help out at SIWW for Marina Barrage during the 3 days (24 Jun to 26 Jun 08, 9.30am to 6 pm).

In addition, you will be requested to go Marina Barrage (earlier than the stated period above) before this SIWW event so that you can be trained on the details of Marina Barrage and job scopes.

My colleague Choon Kiat, will get in touch directly with you via email and HP on greater details. For more enquiries, you may email him at PEK_Choon_Kiat@pub.gov.sg .

cc- Hi Choon Kiat, thanks for the SIWW arrangement for PUB scholars to gain exposure. Greatly appreciate it if you could keep HR in the loop in your future email correspondences with the scholars on their job scope/involvement with SIWW. Thank you!

Best regards,
Foo Yi

Now:
somehow i cant believe 1 year just flew past like that.
Dear Anne, Zhen Xiong,

You have been assigned as note-takers for Japan Business Forum, which will take place on 25 June (Tues), 1:30pm-3:00pm, at Suntec City Convention Centre (Level 4).

Please be at the event venue that day at 12:30pm. Contact me at 91299684 upon your arrival at Suntec City. In case you cannot get me on my phone, you may contact my colleague Mr. Lim Ooi Kwan at 98391190.

Some info:
Dress code: Business attire (suit optional, but all PUB and Co-organisers will be wearing suits and, for men, neckties)
Japan BF program as attached:


Feel free to contact me if you require any further clarification. Or else, see you on 25 June (Tues), 12:30pm at Suntec City.


Thanks and regards,

my room's in a terrible mess. finishing exams didn't feel as liberating as i though it would once i was faced with my tornado-aftermath-room and of course, complete ownage by the chem lecturer. never hated chemistry so much in my life before. and while typing this entry, i realise i got a cut on my hand prob due to the packing. and i actually expected myself to become pensive or smth while packing but honestly i don't feel anything haha. just dread and erm... uber strong bakchormee cravings.

i know i'll miss my coursemates over summer. they're the best coursemates one could ever have! =D haha. don't know what i'd be looking forward to this summer though. all I can say is that it's going to be very different from the last. and im going to cut a china-doll hairstyle. (am already halfway there) need i say more? haha.

oh and sojourn's been haunting me.

guy looks at his girlfriend. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature sainsbury basics pork shoulders.

she looked at him with those big black soulful eyes that looked like and cross section of an infinitely long cylindrical pipe. He was as tall as a 6 foot tall tree. she adored him. loved the way he laughed. he had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

i so love love stories. and my grammer is as bad as like, whatever.

heat and mass time. gosh. life is so boring.